Phil Vickery: 'I'm not angry, I'm not bitter … but I will need help'

12/13/2024 07:00 AM

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Phil Vickery sighs. His cheeks are red, his eyes are wet. "I'm quite emotional, always have been," he says. "I don't know why. Maybe it's my upbringing, middle child, the-forgotten-about-one, I don't know. No one ever gave me anything. I used to argue with the sports psychologist, they always told you: 'Emotion clouds judgment'. Well it might well do, sunshine, but let me tell you, when you're binding up for a scrum and you're a-metre-and-a-half apart and you've got something over there, a tonnage, who wants to fucking eat you, you need to be emotional. If you ain't, there's something wrong with you."

Retirement has been hard on Vickery. He used that emotional energy as fuel when he was a player. These days he sometimes seems to be at a loss to know what to do with it. It's been 14 years since his last match, he was at it 20 years, won 73 England caps and five more for the British & Irish Lions. He still carries the wounds. Some he has been able to fix, others he is still working on, some you can see some, others you only hear. He has been through a divorce, a bankruptcy, and has spent a lot of time struggling with his mental health. He is phlegmatic about it, but there is a hell of a lot of hurt in him.